Infojunk

All I Ever Learned, I Learned from Anime

Original entries (#1-50) created by Laura Luchau

1. War sucks.

2. You CAN have too many women.

3. Smart people wear glasses.

4. Music foreshadows plot.

5. The less you care about sex, the more opportunities you’ll get.

6. (Inversely, the harder you try, the less you’ll get.)

7. When you die, make a long speech, and don’t finish the last sentence.

8. Snow means love.

9. The best teams come in fives.

10. In space, you can hear everythg.

11. There’s always room for flashbacks!

12. When in China, listen to your tour guide.

13. The good guy always has the BLUE glow.

14. Speak quietly, pilot a big mech.

15. Believe in goddesses.

16. Teachers have excellent aim with small objects.

17. Vengeance with a mallet is the sweetest revenge of all.

18. Honor is sexy; villainy is irresistible.

19. Women are attracted to losers; men are attracted to ANYTHING.

20. The coolest weapon is still the sword.

21. The hero is never really mad until they hurt his girlfriend.

22. Female androids are sexy; male androids are….male androids.

23. The green-haired alien girl will always betray her people for the man she loves.

24. School uniforms are cool only when the collar is open.

25. A show without sexual tension isn’t worth watching.

26. Love knows no race, species, or logic.

27. If it’s homemade but tastes bad, grin and bury it (discreetly).

28. Never trust a huge corporation.

29. Romance never comes simpler than in a triangle.

30. Never fall for the girl who names her mech with a French name.

31. Never fall in love with a psychic.

32. You can never have too much hair.

33. Sweating is a sure sign of stress.

34. Daydreaming leads to accidents.

35. Everyone wants to conquer Japan.

36. The cute, fuzzy creature isn’t what it seems.

37. Cherry blossoms mean nostalgia.

38. Always take gravity into account.

39. Settings and faces are self-generating.

40. Losing your temper can be therapeutic.

41. There’s nothing sexier than high heels on a mech.

42. You can never have too many subplots.

43. If she sings, she’s doomed.

44. You always remember the sad endings.

45. Double suicide is romantic.

46. Outrageous vehicles only make the hero cooler.

47. Nothing delays romance like unruly neighbors.

48. Fancy ice cream is for girls only.

49. The most virtuous character will die.

50. Hot water has innumerable benefits.

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51. No matter how much blood is lost, no one can die by a nosebleed.

52. (The same theory above applies to vomiting.)

53. The girl with the curly hair is always the seductress.

54. If a sister falls in love with her brother, somewhere down the line you will discover that they’re not blood related.

55. The guy in the baseball cap is always more powerful than he seems.

56. All demons/monsters have enormous genitalia.

57. All young children can pilot mecha, you just need to give them a few days.

58. It is possible to incorporate martial arts into any aspect of life.

59. All high school kids in Japan have parents that are away on extended business trips.

60. The oldest sister is the nice one, the youngest sister is the brash one.

61. You can do anything to the human body as long as you hit the right pressure point.

62. Consuming enormous amounts of alcohol daily will never have ill effects.

63. All major villains either want to take over the world or blow it up.

64. When someone paints up their face, they mean business.

65. Everyone in Japan has excellent singing voices.

66. No matter how many times you rebuild, Tokyo keeps getting destroyed in a massive fireball.

67. The martial arts expert is always defenseless against a slap from the girl who loves him.

68. TAKAHASHI’S LAW 1: Food is a powerful motivator.

69. When women are sent out to fight the bad guys, there’s always a hunk busily watching over them, often in secret.

70. The longer it takes to say what your punch is called, the less effective it is.

71. “Baka” does not mean a student going for his baccalaureate degree.

72. The more possessive a woman gets, the less likely she will end up with the man of her dreams.

73. TAKAHASHI’S LAW 2: The two-foot-tall old geezer is someone to be feared.

74. No matter how big the mech/labor/mobile suit is, if it runs around the corner, the guy chasing it loses the trail.

75. Extraterrestrial, demons, time travelers, etc. all want to alter the course of history by letting Oda Nobunaga win.

76. The fate of the planet rests in the hands of the seemingly normal high school student.

77. The heroine must shred her clothes while transforming into something to fight the bad guys.

78. True evil can never be destroyed, only banished to some nether realm where it awakes after a few hundred years.

79. TAKAHASHI’S LAW 3: When being hit on the head, it’s the most natural thing in the world to tuck your third and fourth fingers in while keeping the others extended.

80. Even the bravest souls can be made weak and helpless by the sight of a cute little puppy or kitten.

81. Never love a Gundam pilot : you’re just destined for disappointment (or a funeral).

82. All persons under the age of 50 can do a ten foot vertical jump from a standing position.

83. Never trust a guy with shiny teeth

84. ESP causes more trouble than it solves

85. The vampire isn’t _always_ the bad guy

86. Nice things can come out of video stores that appear from nowhere

87. Idiot captains win battles against impossible odds

88. Order takeout at every opportunity—you might get lucky with a wrong number.

89. The police are never anywhere there is a large amount of property damage.

90. All high school principals in Japan are clinically insane.

91. All people with esper powers give off multicolored auras.

92. Just about any outer space villain has his sights set on destroying the Earth.

93. (in conjunction with #92) No other planet in the universe will be able to stop said villain except the Earth.

94. Any character can make a leap of 300 ft or more if given a good running start.

95. A samurai sword can cut through anything.

96. All characters over the age of 60 shrink in height in direct proportion to their age.

97. When uncovering a fabulous treasure, the thing will be large enough to completely destroy any surrounding structures.

98. TAKAHASHI’S LAW #4: An anti-climax is a good climax.

99. Anime villians have the best deaths.

100. Any love interest will always be possesed by a demon.

101. Mallets can be stored anywhere on anybody.

102. If the anime has the word “idol” in the title, then you know that it has to be good.

103. Takada Yumi really does sing that bad, and people still buy her CDs.

104. If you make enough porno movies, eventually you can get famous enough to star in commercials. “Iijima Ai desu! ‘Manga manga no mori mori!!’”

105. There is no such thing as a public anime showing without heckling.

106. You can spot how popular a show is by looking at the number of H doujinshi it has.

107. The smartest people on r.a.a. never post, which is why the conference’s overall IQ is so low.

108. If the lyrics to the OP song are printed on the screen, then you’re watching a show that’s not for your age group.

109. The sexiest girls are drawn by artists whose last names start with “U”.

110. The English words in Jpop songs are put there only because they sound good, since they don’t make any sense with the rest of the lyrics.

111. If you post on the MLs more than Hitoshi does, then you probably post too much.

112. The hero always loses the first fight with a new enemy.

113. The guys with two earrings are from the Negaverse.

114. Don’t trust the guys with two earrings.

115. Any truly evil person who changes sides for the woman he loves will die in that episode.

116. You CAN do it, but only when it’s funny or REALLY important.

117. You can never have too many carrots.

118. Hair comes in every shade of the rainbow - and we do mean pink, purple, blue, green….

119. The song “Cry Me a River” takes on a whole new meaning.